2 hours after that last post things just got worse. I take back what I just wrote, I think I may just be broken.

On Sunday I ran myself a wonderful hot bath but then realized I didn't have the perfect accessory to a hot bath...a good book. I ran out of the bathroom to fetch my book and then ran smack into my suitcase that was on the floor. Oh I have stubbed my toe before but this was pain like I have never felt. I wedged the 90 degree corner of the suitcase between my smallest toes on my right foot. The little toe was bent right as if it was trying to make a right hand turn into traffic. I thought for sure it must be broken with that amount of pain and the fact that my little toe would not sit closer to the other toe. I figured a toe injury isn't really worth going to the ER over. I didn't want to go into work the next day but I had a huge important deadline and despite the sharp pain it caused to drive and the unhappy swelling that happened when my foot wasn't raised I went in hoping my doctor could fit me in later in the day. Unfortunately through some misunderstanding I didn't see the doctor till today. My foot is so bruised and swollen but not broken. However it is going to take at least a month to heal.

Yesterday marked the month it's been since my father passed. What a tremendously appropriate end to the month. When I hurt my toe the pain made me cry and the I found that I wasn't just crying about my toe anymore. The pain was like this gateway into the most violent cry I've had in awhile. Not that I haven't cried a bunch in the last month. Some how the physical pain woke me from the general numbness I've been experiencing ad just took over in this huge emotional release. Now for the slow emotional and physical healing process. Like my toe I feel badly injured but not broken.

There is a brightly colored hot pink large shiny jelly bean on the bathroom floor at work. I wonder if I would have been dumb and gross enough as a kid to have thought that the Easter Bunny left it there for me to find. Thank god I was never tested by fate in such a cruel manner.

Tonight in the women's locker room a little boy, around 4 years old, dressed as Spiderman with blinking light tennis shoes came running in. His mortified father stood outside the entrance and yelled for him to get out of their and come back. Spiderboy paid his father no mind and just stood there until one of the women employees escorted him out. Thankfully I was just lacing my shoes and I did and no one was really naked enough to turn Spiderboy into a Spiderman. Perhaps he should just work harder on having X-Ray vision.

Who knew the Nate Dogg and our family dog would die on the same day. I think someone has declared a plague on our household. 2011 is sure not shaping up to be a anything but an asshole of a year.

This morning on my commute to work there was a car in front of me whose back window was filled with a family of 5 snowmen stuffed toys staring back at me. Each one had a different hat or accessory. It was a stop go type of morning and I found myself stuck behind this family of snowmen. At first I was annoyed by their chipper little faces gazing at me. You see I've never been much of a morning person and that type of wide eyed whimsy annoys me. Then I found myself trying to dissect their individual personalities and what their little snowman family dynamic must be. The one that was second to the right was obviously the matriarch of the family and her attire suggested a love of gardening. I worried about the safety for a gardening snowman. I was contemplating the vision benefits of a carrot for a nose yet still having to wear glasses like the snowlad on the left when the car turned off the freeway. I was sad to see the little frosty family go.

Managed to relax and have a lovely weekend. Friday I went to the drive-in with Doug to see "Unknown" and "The Adjustment Bureau." On Saturday I got to spend the day Lindsey. Her and David are making the most adorable home together to welcome their upcoming May baby. With the loss of my dad to this world it is a lovely thought to know that 2 new wonderful parents are being being brought into it. In the evening I went to Gen's fort themed birthday party. After a few whipped cream flavored vodkas with orange soda I thought it would be an excellent idea to erect my tent inside the fort. I was not wrong haha. Unfortunately Sunday was spent recovering from the combination of alcohol and tons of sugary drinks. I did manage to catch The Danny Glovers softball game in the evening for their first ever win!

Fall Runway Love

I feel like I should write a new post so that last one just doesn't sit at the top. I don't even know how to begin to talk about the last month and a half, what a bewildering time. First there was turning 30 and getting on a plane to South America the same day. I started out the trip pretty sick, okay to be honest it was a urinary tract infection. But lets be honest about the hell of being on a place for 13 hours with that. The trip was nice but it was work and it made me long to be a tourist. I was exhausted once I got back. I worked to try and catch up for the week after that then took a week vacation. I am so upset with myself for not going to visit my parents one my vacation time. How selfish and what a loss that I didn't see my dad during the last few weeks of his life. Instead I went to visit my brother and despite the rain we went to the zoo and then because of it I ended up getting very ill. I was sick in bed for days. I finally went to the doctor and he gave me an inhaler to use for a week. I was just starting to feel better when I get a message from my mom that my dad is in the hospital and was in very bad shape. When I talked to her I found out that he had a cardiac arrest and was revived but had not gained back consciousness. I did not know then and didn't find out till later that it took them 20 minutes to revive him. I went to visit him the next day and I will not go into detail but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to see him in the state he was. He never regained brain activity after the cardiac arrest. I guess he has come back so many times after cheating death my whole life that you get use to it in a way I still held out hope. For me, as I know for many others, your dad is the symbol of strength in your life from the time you are born. To see that strength crumble before your eyes is terrifying and heart breaking. That Monday night I called my mom in the evening and she had just come back from the hospital after giving the permission to pull the plug. I didn't know if it had happened yet or not and didn't find out for sure till the next day. I don't really remember driving home that night. I spent last Thursday-Sunday back home in the home I grew up in with my father. We buried him on Friday. It was a gorgeous sunny day in Santa Barbara. It has been very complex and difficult since. I find myself sometimes letting go and forgetting then remembering and being brought right back into the the sadness and then feeling guilty and selfish for letting go of it. Then at other times I feel a manic need to make every minute count and feeling how fast time goes by which feels amplified by the fact that I just turned 30 and weight of feeling older. I feel so mentally exhausted all the time. I could go on and on but I think it's time for bed. Hopefully my next post won't be so heavy.

*edit to add, I just noticed this is my 1000th post, here's hoping the 2000th will be a nicer one