I'm having trouble blogging due to the fact that I don't have as much Internet access these days.

Friday night I went to the Railroad Revival Tour to see Old Crow Medicine Show, Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zero, and Mumford & Sons. I loved all the instruments on the stage. There were banjos, and fiddles, and horns, and an accordion. It was nice to get a range of sounds. Then I drove up to Lompoc to spend the weekend with my mom. Her birthday fell on Easter this year which is the first time I can ever remember that happening. It is still so sad and hard to go home. Instead of hiding in my apartment I am trying to fill my life with distractions. I feel like there is this hole in my heart where once there was something at it just isn't there anymore. I try and fill it up with good things and feelings but it just slips through. Trying to hold on to happiness right now is like caring water in your hands.

weekend

Sometimes you are a sad kitty in a bucket and you realize all your post are just going to be about being a sad kitty in a bucket. I promise I'm going to try and get out of that bucket.

2 hours after that last post things just got worse. I take back what I just wrote, I think I may just be broken.

On Sunday I ran myself a wonderful hot bath but then realized I didn't have the perfect accessory to a hot bath...a good book. I ran out of the bathroom to fetch my book and then ran smack into my suitcase that was on the floor. Oh I have stubbed my toe before but this was pain like I have never felt. I wedged the 90 degree corner of the suitcase between my smallest toes on my right foot. The little toe was bent right as if it was trying to make a right hand turn into traffic. I thought for sure it must be broken with that amount of pain and the fact that my little toe would not sit closer to the other toe. I figured a toe injury isn't really worth going to the ER over. I didn't want to go into work the next day but I had a huge important deadline and despite the sharp pain it caused to drive and the unhappy swelling that happened when my foot wasn't raised I went in hoping my doctor could fit me in later in the day. Unfortunately through some misunderstanding I didn't see the doctor till today. My foot is so bruised and swollen but not broken. However it is going to take at least a month to heal.

Yesterday marked the month it's been since my father passed. What a tremendously appropriate end to the month. When I hurt my toe the pain made me cry and the I found that I wasn't just crying about my toe anymore. The pain was like this gateway into the most violent cry I've had in awhile. Not that I haven't cried a bunch in the last month. Some how the physical pain woke me from the general numbness I've been experiencing ad just took over in this huge emotional release. Now for the slow emotional and physical healing process. Like my toe I feel badly injured but not broken.

There is a brightly colored hot pink large shiny jelly bean on the bathroom floor at work. I wonder if I would have been dumb and gross enough as a kid to have thought that the Easter Bunny left it there for me to find. Thank god I was never tested by fate in such a cruel manner.

Tonight in the women's locker room a little boy, around 4 years old, dressed as Spiderman with blinking light tennis shoes came running in. His mortified father stood outside the entrance and yelled for him to get out of their and come back. Spiderboy paid his father no mind and just stood there until one of the women employees escorted him out. Thankfully I was just lacing my shoes and I did and no one was really naked enough to turn Spiderboy into a Spiderman. Perhaps he should just work harder on having X-Ray vision.